


Crystal Clear

by idk5678



Category: The 100 (TV), The 100 Series - Kass Morgan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 16,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24400315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idk5678/pseuds/idk5678
Summary: Lexa has secretly been in love with her best friend Clarke for 2 years.But what happens when Clarke asks Lexa to be her fake girlfriend for a weekend away with some friends, and they both come face to face with ghosts from their past.Fake relationship AU with plenty of angst and fluff!(I suck at summaries, but you get the point.)
Relationships: Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100), Finn Collins/Clarke Griffin, Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 98
Kudos: 418





	1. I don’t wanna shut you out

“Pretend you love me...”

The words bit through lavender twilight, lingering longer than the fleeting moments of golden hour. The summer sun that minutes ago was baking the pavement underneath their feet, had since slipped behind silver rain clouds, looking as heavy as the expectation of Lexa’s next move. Everything felt too tight; her baggy sweatshirt, her double knotted shoe laces, the gold chain pinching the baby hairs on the back of her neck. She could smell the summer storm in the air, feel the change in pressure, dizzied by all the factors she couldn’t control, and even more by the ones that she could.

“Clarke.. I-” She didn’t know what else to say. Pretend to love her? That was like asking Harry Potter to preform a sleight of hand trick. Is your card the queen of hearts with a side of my actual beating heart? You don’t need the illusion, Clarke. Take the whole fucking thing, it’s been yours since the moment we met. 

“I know it’s a big ask, and please don’t feel pressured to say yes... It’s just a lot of my friends are bringing significant others to my friend Octavia’s lake house next weekend, and every time we get together they all tease me about being a workaholic who has no time for love...” Clarke looked smaller and smaller by each passing moment. Her usual confidence dwindled by childhood friends with sleepy lives and no aspirations beyond diamonds on their left ring fingers. “And also... I would just really love to have you there for moral support.”

“Clarke, if you need me, I’m all yours.” There were so many layers of truth to that statement, but Clarke seemed satiated with just the one she needed. Who would’ve thought that being Clarke’s fake girlfriend would feel more honest than the painfully platonic best friend role she had been playing for the past two years.

“God, you’re the best!” Clarke pulled the brunette in for a sweaty hug, Lexa’s heart no longer racing from their three mile run, but rather their bodies flush against each other. Her sticky skin, and aching muscles, and blistered feet felt far less important than the feeling of Clarke’s breath tickling her ear. “If only actually falling in love was as easy as loving you”

And Lexa wanted to tell her that it is that easy. That falling for Clarke was the easiest thing she had ever done. The hard parts were moments like these; The could be something moments. The moments that a daydreamer could create alternate endings to; endings filled with soft lips, and traveling hands, and confessions that didn’t know how to break any hearts.

***

As soon as they arrived at the lake house, they were greeted by Bellamy and Lincoln, both tall, muscular men, one with a tight buzz cut and the other with a messy mop of chocolate brown curls. They immediately started pulling bags effortlessly out of the trunk and tossing them in the guest room the girls would share. They sat in the idling car, the vibration supplied by the engine matching Clarke’s nervous energy. Her gaze fixated on Lexa’s right hand now knotted with her own. 

“Hey... Clarke... It’s going to be fine. I’m going to be the best fake girlfriend you could ever ask for.” Lexa flashed the kind of cocky grin that she hoped would defuse the tension now building up in the passenger seat. “I’ve got you.”

Those words seemed to break through some anxious fog, baby blue eyes flashing up to study her own. The blonde was gnawing on her upper lip, causing the beauty mark just above the left side of her mouth to disappear behind pearly white enamel. Lexa reached up, her thumb stroking the hollow space below Clarke’s cheek bone, her other fingers now tangled in the soft gold curls that had liberated themselves from her messy pony tail. Lexa was overly aware of how intimate this moment felt, and she prayed Clarke couldn’t hear the eager thumping of her traitorous heart.

“I was just thinking... Maybe we could come up with a safe word for when everything becomes too real. Something that reminds the other person why we’re here.” The brunette nodded, understanding the implications of this statement. Girlfriend was just an honorary title for the weekend that held no actual power. Lexa knew this was the case, but the not so subtle reminder gave her a dull thrumming of pain in her chest. 

“Don’t worry, Clarke. I’m not going to fall in love with you...” She had already done that 2 years ago, still picking up the pieces of her heart that shattered when the falling stopped and the crashing began. Clarke’s eyes met hers again, a look of shock illuminating them like a bolt of lightning, quick but bright enough to disintegrate any murky gray area surrounding what Lexa was to her.

“You know that’s not what I mean, Lex. But we’re going to have to share some intimate moments, and I don’t want to get so lost in them that we lose who we are to each other... I can’t risk it.” Lexa understood that. It’s why she had played martyr with her heart their whole friendship. Clarke’s presence in her life was more important than the title that presence held. 

“Cyan.” 

“What?” 

“Cyan. That should be our safe word.” Clarke gave Lexa a hesitant nod but didn’t press any further on why of all the words in the English language this is the one that Lexa so confidently chose. 

***

“Clarke!” They were immediately greeted by flying arms and high pitched shrieking. Lexa took a step back, allowing Clarke’s friends to dog pile her into a group hug. The first people to reach them were two petite brunettes, one with a wavy, chestnut brown mane similar to Bellamy’s. The other with long, straight hair a few shades darker. 

“Lexa, these are my best friends, Octavia and Raven.” Lexa was immediately greeted with a similarly warm embrace, feeling two sets of arms wrap around her shoulders and waist. 

“Griffin, you seemed to have left out that Lexa is an absolute smoke show.” Lexa immediately blushed and clocked the blonde’s glare thrown Raven’s way, as well as the precision sharp elbow to her rib cage. “What?! I’m just saying! If she has a sister, you could hook a friend up!”

“As a matter of fact I do, and she is very much single. I’ll text you her number once I get this one settled in.” Lexa broke free from the tangle of limbs she was currently knotted in, and pulled Clarke over her shoulder in a fireman’s carry, causing the blonde to giggle and smack her on the butt playfully.

“We’ll be back in a few minutes! Just want to get changed into something more presentable!” Clarke tossed the words over Lexa’s shoulder in a breathless simper, as the brunette opened the bedroom door and plopped her down gently on the king size bed. She then proceeded to close it with her left foot, while belly flopping onto the vacant spot next to Clarke.

“So... How did I do?” Lexa twisted on her side to get a better view of the blonde, an affectionate grin adorning her face. A sleepy thumb traced the brunette’s summer freckles, creating clumsy constellations. 

“Charming as always, Ms. Woods. They’re going to want me to keep you forever.” Clarke’s eyes all of a sudden seemed darker, more serious than they were just moments ago.

“Damn, and here I am without a diamond ring.” This caused the blonde to smirk and open her mouth, but before she could get any words out, they heard the twisting of the door knob and saw the silhouette of a tall, slender man in the threshold.

“Oh, fuck! Sorry! Wrong room!” As the shadow like figure began closing the door, Clarke shot up and uttered a name Lexa knew far too well.

“Finn... Uh hey... no worries!” Lexa sat up, anchoring her feet to the hardwood floor while she watched the blonde fumble to find words outside of a 6 year old’s vocabulary.

“Hey there, I’m Lexa, Clarke’s girlfriend.” Finn’s eyebrows shot up as he took stock of Clarke’s newest conquest. Lexa couldn’t help but do the same. He stood around 6’1 with shaggy russet colored hair. He was classically handsome with a defined jaw line and high cheekbones. He looked like he walked out of a shampoo commercial, and Lexa kind of hate him for it.

“Wow... She’s real! I thought Bellamy was fucking with me when he said Clarke was bringing a girlfriend this weekend.” The dismissive tone made Lexa’s skin crawl. Without fully comprehending what she was doing, she slid next to Clarke, knotting their fingers together and softly kissing her on the cheek.

“I am indeed. How do you guys know each other? Old friends?” She watched as Finn tossed Clarke an expectant look, his jaw beginning to pulse.

“The oldest.” He uttered in a gravely whisper. And with that, Lexa released Clarke’s hand and moved passed Finn to the family room.

“Well then, I’ll leave you guys to catch up. Clarke, if you need me I’ll be on the beach.” She watched as Clarke nodded, but the blonde’s eyes never left Finn’s.

Lexa grabbed a beach towel and threw it over her shoulder in a huff. Her throat felt uncomfortably tight as she headed down the side of the house towards the water front. She had no right to be upset, no right to even be annoyed, but rational thought couldn’t soothe the irritating sting of tears she was now trying to breathe through.

“Hey, Lexa! Wait up!” She turned to find Raven gracelessly jogging up to her, sheets of sand flying out from under her feet. She was beautiful, perfectly golden skin and dark piercing eyes. If she was anyone else’s friend, Lexa might just say fuck it and throw this plan by the wayside. But Raven was Clarke’s, and Lexa was Clarke’s, and Finn was probably Clarke’s too. And Lexa didn’t have the time nor the energy to pretend she could be anyone else’s, even for the weekend. “I though you guys were getting changed. Where’s Clarke?”

“I figured she needed some time to catch with some old friends.” Lexa splayed the beach towel out and immediately sat on it, fixing her eyes on the foamy waves and bobbing sailboats. Raven took the spot next to her, tucking her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on the dip in between them.

“So you met Finn. How did that go?” Lexa leaned forward, her right hand rubbing at her mouth, trying to figure out what to say that wouldn’t make her seem jealous or possessive. 

“He’s handsome... Like annoyingly handsome.” Raven snickered and laced her arm around Lexa’s, squeezing it with gentle reassurance.

“Lexa, I don’t know if anyone has ever told you, but you look like a Greek goddess. Finn’s boyish good looks don’t hold a candle to all of this.” Raven’s eyes traced her up and down, causing Lexa to let out an exasperate chuckle. “Plus, she never talked about Finn the way she talks about you.”

Their moment was interrupted by the sound of shuffling sand and smacking flip flops.

“Raven Reyes, I leave you alone for 5 minutes and you’re already trying to steal my girlfriend!” Raven plastered a messy kiss on Lexa’s cheek before giving her a knowing smirk and turning towards Clarke.

“I tried, but she only has eyes for you!” The dark haired girl began standing up and Lexa offered her an hand to steady her balance. “Plus, she’s quite the gentlewoman.” 

“Don’t I know it.” Lexa felt Clarke come up behind her, falling to her knees and wrapping her arms around her neck from behind. She looked forward, her lips irritatingly close to Lexa’s ear. “You okay?”

Now that they were alone again, Lexa didn’t really know how to feel or what to say. She didn’t have the right to be hurt or annoyed by how quickly she was dismissed when Finn arrived, but it still stung none the less. 

“You didn’t tell me Finn was coming...” Clarke let out a heavy sigh and slipped next to her on the beach towel. She began toying with a lose thread on the edge of it and avoided Lexa’s careful gaze.

“I know... I’m sorry. Octavia told me a couple weeks ago he and his new girlfriend were coming and I panicked.” The fidgeting persisted, unraveling the thread even further. “ I just didn’t want to face him alone.” Lexa understood that more than Clarke probably realized. When she and Clarke had first met, they were both working through painful breakups. Lexa just never realized that part of her healing process was falling in love with the girl next to her.

“You could’ve told me, Clarke. It wouldn’t have changed anything.” She felt a head on her shoulder and the soft exhale at the tail end of an anxious sigh.

“I know... I just didn’t want to risk it. I needed you here with me.” Lexa turned her head and placed a feather light kiss on messy blonde waves, inhaling the smell of sunscreen and citrus shampoo.

“Then there’s nowhere else I could possibly be.” 

***

When they returned back to the house, everyone was starting to prep dinner. Bellamy had taken over grill duty with his girlfriend, Echo, while Octavia and Lincoln manned the kitchen, cutting up vegetables and making sides.

Lexa scanned the room, but was unable to find Clarke’s irritatingly good looking ex lover. She had started to relax when she heard her name slip from the last person she would expect to see this weekend. 

Costia.


	2. I remember standing on the edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Costia have a loaded talk and Lexa tried to find comfort in the wrong places.

Costia stepped out of the bedroom next to their’s, a confused Finn trailing behind her.

“Costia, what’re you doing here?” Lexa tried to keep her voice calm and level, but this was the first time she had seen the girl that broke her heart in two years, and she didn’t know how to process any of this, especially the way Finn wrapped his arm around her waist.

“My boyfriend, Finn, wanted me to meet all his friends... What’re you doing here?” Lexa didn’t know what to say, or how to even perform essential functions like swallowing or breathing.

“She’s with me, her girlfriend. Hi, I’m Clarke.” The blonde stepped forward fearlessly, her gaze trained on the girl in front of her. She had dark eyes, and tan skin. Long legs and beautiful, caramel colored hair pulled back in an effortless bun. She still looked perfect in every way, and all Lexa wanted to do was run. Run from this house, run from this weekend, run from the excruciating pain that adrenaline had kept her from feeling up until this point.

“I’m sorry, but I think I’m missing something... How do you two know each other?” Finn’s statement pierced through the tense silence, his eyes flashing back and forth between the three women.

“Me and Lexa used to date years ago.” Costia was able to sum their relationship up in a ten syllable sentence. And Lexa wanted to hate her for it, but there probably wasn’t any other explanation of who they were to each other that would hurt any less. Together for three years, sharing an apartment, talking about marriage, planning a future. They were all just past tense details that wouldn’t make this any easier, any more palpable.

“Yup... Finn, it seems like you and I have the same taste in women.” Lexa tried to crack a joke but it landed with a thud in the space somewhere between awkward and painfully tense. “Well, we’ll have to catch up sometime this weekend, Cos... I’m going to go get ready for dinner.”

Lexa headed for their bedroom, pivoting on her heels and moving as fast as humanly possible without seeming like she was trying to escape the most painful moment of her life. She felt Clarke close behind her, following like a nervous shadow. As soon as the door closed, Lexa perched herself on the edge of the bed and took long, anchoring breaths.

“Lex, I am so fucking sorry. I had no idea she would be here this weekend...I would’ve never...” Her words trailed off into nervous silence as she approached the brunette, carefully kneeling in front of her and resting her palms on the girl’s knees.

“God... I haven’t seen her since the break up.” Her words tumbled out through a reluctant sigh, rattling like fall leaves and tears that hadn’t been shed. “And she hasn’t changed a bit.”

“By that you mean she’s still breathtakingly beautiful.” That statement caused Lexa to meet Clarke’s insecure gaze, slightly shaking her head. She didn’t even think about the fact that this was the blonde’s first time seeing her ex’s new girlfriend. That couldn’t have been easy either.

“No one is more beautiful than the girl right in front of me.” Lexa knew that statement was a risk, knew that she was likely showing her hand, but she didn’t care. No other woman, not even Costia, could be more stunning in Lexa’s eyes. 

“Lex, you don’t have to...” 

“I’m just telling you the truth, Clarke. You are spectacular in every way.” Lexa leaned forward and placed a gentle kiss on the blonde’s forehead before pushing herself back on to her feet and offering her hand to Clarke. “So come on. Let’s go show them they mean absolutely nothing to us.”

***

Dinner was sufficiently awkward.

Costia mainly stared at Lexa, Clarke mainly stared at Finn, and Lexa tried to keep here eyes on the plate in front of her, a confused mixture of anxiety and heart ache waltzing around in her chest.

“So Lex, what have you been up to the passed couple of years?” Lexa noticed Clarke bristle and grab hold of her hand, unsure of whether it was for comfort or possessiveness. Was it the affectionate nickname or Costia’s interest in Lexa’s new life that had Clarke staking her claim?

“You know, just moved to the city, started a new job, met a beautiful girl, fell in love” She felt Clarke’s eyes on her, a warm smile brightening her face like sunshine. In that moment, Costia didn’t even matter. Nothing mattered more than the warmth Clarke exuded. She could see her inching closer, her cheeks rosy and her eyes on fire. Before Lexa could even register what was happening, she felt soft lips press against her own, the taste of sangria overwhelming her senses, the smell of rose water and ivy making her feel intoxicatingly dizzy.

“Wow... You guys are grosssss.” Clarke pulled away, too embarrassed for someone whose only intention for that kiss was to convince her friends they were together. Lexa was still too shocked, unable to process the exhilarating buzz dancing across her lips or the feeling of Clarke’s thumb running lazy circles on the back of her own. 

“And what about you Clarke? How’s our resident Picasso?” Octavia was now butting in, trying to diffuse the tense silence that overtook everyone at the table.

“Yeah.. Yeah, it’s been good. Busy... a lot of galleries...” the brief synopsis of Clarke’s budding career born out of a stress relieving hobby from hard days at the hospital, had even Lexa wondering if she was doing okay. It was unlike the blonde to be so tongue tied and flustered. 

“And to think, I have one of the first Clarke Griffin originals hanging in my house.” Finn flashed her a confident smile, daring Lexa to make her next move.

“God, you still have that thing?! I painted it like 15 years ago.” Clarke’s words flew out on the wings of a chuckle, her eyes lighting up at Finn’s not so subtle statement.

“Doesn’t make it any less beautiful.” Whatever strategy Finn had, it was working, and the brunette could tell she didn’t stand a chance.

*** 

After dinner, Lexa found herself on the back patio watching the choppy waves make abstract reflections of the setting sun. Her watered down whiskey was easier to swallow than the image of Clarke and Finn huddled on the couch discussing her next exhibit.

“Well, I have to say, she’s a catch. I just never pictured you with a blonde.” Costia flopped down in the Adirondack chair next to her, sipping a stemless glass of Pinot Grigio.

“Well, I never pictured you with a chocolate lab, but here we are.” Costia let out melodic laugh, her eyes never leaving the sunset in front of her. That used to be Lexa’s favorite sound, especially when she was the cause of it. Now it just left a dull ache of nostalgia.

“So you love her.” The statement caught Lexa off guard, sounding more like a fact than a question. 

“Is that surprising to you?” The words came out a little sharper than she intended them, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to compare love lives with the only girl who ever broke her heart.

“No, not at all... She’s just not what I expected for you.”

“Why, because she isn’t you?” Lexa gritted her teeth, not sure if she was defending Clarke or her own heart.

“I mean... Maybe?” The casual confirmation caused Lexa to meet Costia’s gaze like a question looking for an answer.

“Costia, what the fuck? You’re here with Finn, I’m here with Clarke. Why are we having this conversation right now?” There was a moment of silence, a sharp clearing of the throat, wild eyes searching for the right words in the wrong places.

“I know... And I like Finn, I really do. He’s charming, and charismatic, and easy. But I guess I never realized how much I missed you until I saw you here.” Her words were bulky and ill timed, but they sounded honest. Two years ago they would’ve meant something, everything, but now they just felt like a soliloquy in the wrong love story.

“Cos, I can’t be that person for you anymore. I haven’t been that person in years.” Lexa stood up, dizzied by the sudden rush of blood and the words she never expected to hear. She wanted to cry, and scream, and pretend she really did belong to someone else, she really did belong to Clarke. 

This feeling became even more magnified as she spotted Clarke sketching a rough portrait of Finn on the couch, her feet resting in his lap, her eyes twinkling with brash desire. She looked at him like Lexa looked at her; with reckless abandon. It was all made worse by the warm light from the fireplace and the glasses of wine on the coffee table. They looked comfortable, domestic even.

She wasn’t sure if anything could make this feel better. Maybe the lethal combination of hard alcohol and someone else’s lips. Maybe a good cry and a coma like sleep. Maybe a long drive and cathartic playlist of break up songs. 

But before she could formulate her next move, Clarke’s eyes were on her with unwavering concern, following her to the bedroom. She entered the room wordlessly, searching Lexa’s face for answers to questions that hadn’t been asked. All of a sudden her stare seemed heavier, loaded, and Lexa was ready to pull the trigger. Before she could fully understand the consequences of her actions, she kissed her, tangling her fingers in the loose hairs at the nape of the blonde’s neck, tasting cabernet and what could only be described as starlight. Clarke moved against her, pressing Lexa’s body to the back of the door, her hands gripping at the loose fabric of the brunette’s sweatshirt. Her tinted purple lips moving to Lexa’s jaw and then neck. It felt good. It felt right. Until the sound of crashing dishes in the kitchen sink broke some sort of love drunk spell. All of a sudden, Clarke was pulling away from her, eyes wide with regret and what appeared to be a hint of sadness.

“Cyan...” was all the blonde uttered before releasing her grip on Lexa and shaking the confusing haze of physical touch and misplaced desire. It look Lexa a moment to formulate thoughts and gain enough oxygen to vocalize them.

“Clarke, I’m so sorry... I don’t know what came over me.” But no amount of white lies could dull the razor sharp fear in those ocean blue eyes.

“Lex, it’s okay... I just... I need a moment.” She watched as Clarke exited the room like a hurricane, moving towards the patio door. She could hear Finn calling out after her, telling her it was too late to go down there alone. And all Lexa wanted to do was chase her, make it right. But she wasn’t the person Clarke wanted right now, wasn’t the person she needed. So she sat at the edge of the bed and let the tears she had been holding back most of the day finally fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	3. I wanna make it crystal clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up for some angst! Clarke and Lexa talk about what happened between them, and Lexa cuts through the bullshit.

Sleep seemed useless as Lexa scrunched herself up on the loveseat next to the bed. Her eyes burned from exhaustion and tears, but the thudding of her heart and the whirling of her brain kept her from slipping out of her conscious state.

She ached with desperation, and sadness, and useless anger. She could feel it in her bones, in the enamel of her teeth, in the tense muscles in her shoulders. And it all felt so pointless. How could she be so reckless with her already fragile heart? How could she put herself in this inevitably impossible position? And how could Clarke ask this much of her without consequentially getting the whole thing?

Clarke wanted the best parts, the easy parts, the never ending fun parts. She wanted kisses that proved a point and arms that could hold her just close enough. She didn’t want the jagged edges or complicated confessions. She was too busy with her own. And even after all this, Lexa wanted her. She needed her like air in her lungs, and milk in her coffee, and sleep after a long day. 

Lexa needed her, and Clarke needed someone else. 

It was around 1 AM when she finally heard the twist of the door knob, and saw the soft yellow glow of the kitchen light disturbing the inky blackness. Lexa kept her eyes shut, too exhausted to even pretend she was ready to have their impending conversation. She needed more time, more space, less of the overwhelming, absolutely intoxicating essence of Clarke.

Eventually, pretend sleep became real sleep. She just wished she could say the same about her relationship with the dozing blonde less than 3 feet away from her.

***  
Lexa woke up early. Far earlier than her body probably wanted. But she had to get out of this house, had to move her achy joints, had to feel something other than the hollow throbbing in her chest. 

She was hoping beating the sun up would mean beating everyone else up, unsure of how to explain the ambiguity of the night before. But she knew it was game over the minute she smelled the aroma of the first pot of coffee while sliding on her running shorts.

As she slipped quietly into the family room, she spotted a robe clad Octavia squinting to read something on her phone while blowing on the contents of her mug. 

“Oh, Lexa! Morning!” She responded with a tight smile and a curt nod. The anxious energy radiating off of her told Lexa one of two things: Either Clarke told her they had a fight, or the blonde taking off down the beach last night made it obvious enough. So much for a good first impression... “Where are you heading off to this early?”

“Just going for a run. I’ll be back in like an hour.” And with that, she headed for the front door. She didn’t have time to stretch her muscles or warm up. She needed to get out of there, needed to breathe. Needed to feel asphalt under her feet and the chill of the early morning breeze. She needed to remind herself that there was a world outside of the smell of Clarke’s perfume and the sound of her laugh.

Her lungs burned as much as her swollen eyes. Her heart pounded against her chest, reminding her there were other reasons it existed outside of being Clarke’s personal metronome. Her calves ached and she could feel her feet blistering. Before she even realized it, she was three miles down the road, trying to find the will to turn around and go back to inevitable heart break. 

***

When she finally made it back it was close to 10 AM, and she was sure her absence was noticed. As soon as she walked through the door, she could smell greasy bacon and hear the clattering of cooking in the kitchen. She was hoping breakfast would be enough of a distraction so she could slip passed the crew undetected.

“Lexa...” The unmistakeable timbre of what would normally be her favorite voice hit her like a ton of bricks. The sleepy blonde was snuggled into the couch, hands wrapped around a mug of coffee, eyes looking as red and puffy as Lexa’s.

“Morning. I’m gonna go wash up.” She headed for the bathroom, only to find out it was shared with the bedroom next door, and a towel clad Costia was drying off her hair. 

“Lexa Woods, you’re a little late to join me for a shower.” Costia threw her a cheeky grin, but the brunette was not in the mood. 

“How much longer do you think you’ll be? I don’t Clarke’s friends will appreciate me stinking up the house with B.O.” Costia moved closer, now entering Lexa’s personal space. Their bodies were nearly touching, and the breath escaping her lips tickled Lexa’s ear. 

“It’s a shame, I always loved the scent of a sweaty Lexa.” She proceeded to leave a soft kiss on her cheek, then headed out the door to her room. As she did, Lexa could see Clarke, eyes heavy with sadness and maybe a hint of jealousy. But why would she care if Lexa and Costia shared a moment in the bathroom? She was sure Finn had shared plenty of moments with the blonde last night on the beach.

***

When she stepped out of the shower, the door knob started to turn. 

“Someone’s in here!” Lexa called out, hoping she didn’t have to have another awkward encounter with a half naked Costia or an egocentric Finn.

“It’s just me... Can we talk?...” Lexa cracked open the door to find a timid Clarke standing behind it. She was wringing her hands and having trouble keeping steady eye contact.

“Yeah, sure.” Lexa took a step back, giving the blonde enough room to slip in.

“Lex, I’m so sorry about last night... I shouldn’t have run out like that.” Clarke kept her eyes plastered to a tile on the floor, still unable to meet the brunette’s gaze.

“It’s my fault, Clarke. You made it abundantly clear that you didn’t want me like that...” Lexa’s voice broke a little, the words feeling like gravel in her throat. “I shouldn’t have lost sight of why I’m here.” Blue eyes shot up to meet green, seeming surprised and panicked by the statement.

“Lexa... I-” Her train of thought seemed to disappear like the condensation on the bathroom mirror. 

“It’s fine. I know my role here is to make Finn jealous and distract Costia so you can have private moments with him. I’ll try not to forget that again.” Her eyes were a little misty, but she was hoping the water droplets from her wet hair would provide some sort of disguise. “So now that that’s all aired out, I’m going to go get dressed so I can be whatever it is you need me to be.” 

“Lexa, please just stop.” The words were desperate and begging for control. “I didn’t bring you here to make Finn jealous or to distract his girlfriend. I brought you here because I knew this weekend would be hard and I needed my best friend. I needed the person who brings me the most comfort.”

Maybe Clarke was telling the truth. Maybe she did just need Lexa, but this confession wasn’t making this any easier, wasn’t making the hurt go away.

“You know when I could’ve used some comfort? When I was alone in our room last night, scared to death that I had lost you. Wondering why you kissed me back and then ran off to find comfort in someone else.” She felt like she was suffocating, sucking in big breaths of humid air and the scent of coconut shower gel. “And I know I kissed you first, and I know it was a mistake. But I just wanted you to see me! I just wanted you to see that I was right there in front of you, totally vulnerable, totally consumed by everything you are. I was stupid enough to think that maybe I was good enough, that maybe the feeling of my lips on yours wouldn’t cause you to go running.”

“Lexa, you are good enough, you’re actually too good for me...” The blonde shook her head, tears beginning to streak her cheeks. “And you deserve to be kissed and loved by someone who can give you the entire world.”

These words just felt like a cheap bandaid that Lexa wanted to rip off her stupid heart.

“Well, it’s clear your world revolves around someone else. So let’s just put on the show of our lives for the rest of this weekend. And then after, we can give each other some much needed space.”

Lexa didn’t need to hear anymore of Clarke’s half baked excuses or apologies. She needed to put on a smiling face for the next day and half then distance herself from all this pain. She survived heart break once, she could survive it again. But some recklessly naive part of her heart still hoped she wouldn’t have to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait on this chapter. Was having trouble writing, but finally found a direction for this.
> 
> Let me know what you think of the chapter!


	4. I won’t give into the fear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa finds out some surprising information, an altercation with Finn ensues, and Clarke makes a confession of her own.
> 
> Buckle up!
> 
> WARNING! Tiny bit of violence and mention of blood.

For the rest of the day, Lexa acted like the perfect girlfriend. She pulled out Clarke’s chair for her, held her hand above the table where everyone could see it, accepted pecks on her cheek and laughed at all of her jokes.

But underneath it all, she was angry. She was hurt. She wanted space and time. Maybe enough time to forget Clarke all together. At this point, that seemed easier than having to endure Clarke’s hot and cold behavior. 

When they finished up dinner, Lexa helped clear the table with Raven, while Clarke dried the dishes Octavia washed. Lexa was thankful for just a moment to herself, a moment where she didn’t have to pretend to be Clarke’s love drunk puppy.

“Hey Lexa, you doing okay?” Raven looked genuinely concerned while she balanced a stack of cups in the crook of her arm.

“Yeah, yeah... Just tired. It’s been a long couple of days, ya know?” Raven nodded but kept a watchful eye on the brunette.

“You know, you’re the first person that Clarke has brought here to meet us... I know that the attack of the exes didn’t make this weekend any easier for you, but that still means something.... She wants you.” And Lexa wished she could argue, she wished she could tell her every reason why none of that statement was correct. But she promised Clarke she would make it through this weekend, and Lexa always keeps her promises.

“Yeah, yeah I know that I’m important to her. This has all just been slightly... overwhelming I guess?” More like heartbreaking, earth shattering, ground shaking. 

“Six months ago, when Clarke told me she thought she was falling for you, I was so nervous for her. Her break up with Finn fucked her up in more ways than she would like to admit, but seeing you here with her, I’m glad she finally has you.” Lexa had no idea what Raven was talking about. There was no way Clarke has been cooking this up for six months, no way she had planted this seed half a year ago. 

“Clarke told you she had feelings for me?” Raven nodded with a warm smile, resting her arm on the back of a chair.

“Yeah... She talked about you incessantly, so we teased her that you were replacing us, that you had become her new best best friend. And then all of a sudden she got all weird and nervous, saying it wasn’t like that. She said she hadn’t meant for it to happen, but that she had fallen in love with you. After that, we kept waiting for her to call us and tell us that you guys were finally together, but the call never came until right before this weekend. I guess she was trying to keep you to herself all this time.”

“Yeah, I guess so...” Lexa mumbled, totally overwhelmed by all this new information. Why hadn’t Clarke told her? Why hadn’t she tried to pursue something with her? Probably for the same reasons Lexa hadn’t herself: fear. But the brunette had made her intentions very clear to the blonde. She kissed her, she told her she wanted her. Had Clarke changed her mind? “Hey Raven, I’m going to be out back on the porch if anyone needs me.”

Raven nodded and joined the others in the kitchen, leaving Lexa to overthink with a sunset view. Unfortunately, she was not alone for long, as Finn sat down in a chair next to her.

“Alright, I give up. You win.” He stared forward, his jaw pulsing as he took a long swig from his beer.

“I win what?” Lexa asked, genuinely confused. They weren’t playing a game, these women weren’t prizes. People’s hearts were on the line.

“Clarke... Costia... Who ever you want, you win.” Finn’s bold words and lack of annunciation led her to believe he was drunk. His eyes were glassy and his cheeks were flushed. He looked sick, maybe even a little heart broken. 

“They aren’t trophies, Finn. They’re people with their own minds and hearts and desires. I didn’t win anything...” Lexa gritted her teeth, feeling anger build up in her chest. “But if memory serves me correctly, you were the one comforting Clarke on the beach last night, not me...”

Finn let out a frustrated chuckle, gripping the bottle in his hand harder. “And you know what she told me when I got there?” Lexa stayed quiet. It didn’t seem like a question looking for an answer. “She told me that she was in love with you, and she wished she wasn’t such an idiot. She wished she was brave enough to admit it.”

Lexa turned to look at him, but he just kept shaking his head in disbelief, too lost in his own self pity to acknowledge anyone else.

“We grew up together, me and Clarke. All the school dances, I took her to them. Every Valentine’s Day, every birthday, they were all mine. All of my childhood, all of my high school years, wasted on a ditsy blonde who should’ve appreciated what she had. Should be begging to have it back.” His words lit Lexa’s chest on fire. Clarke is so much more than a pretty face. She is smart, and funny, and warm in every way imaginable. She was everything, she was Lexa’s whole world.

“Don’t talk about her like that...” She meant it as a warning shot, but Finn took it as a challenge.

“What are you going to do about it, huh? We both know all she’s good for is a nice pair of lips and a treacherous heart break.” And with that Lexa launched from her chair and punched Finn square in the jaw. She didn’t care anymore. Clarke may not be hers, but she certainly wasn’t going to listen him talk about her like this. Finn yelped in pain, a rage filled fire lighting up his eyes. He leapt up and tackled Lexa to the ground, his whole body pinning her to the stone patio. Her head was now pounding, ears ringing, eyes trying to find something to focus on. She tried to push Finn off of her, but he was too determined, too drunk to feel anything other than the satisfaction of beating Lexa in a game of brute strength. 

“Finn! What the fuck are you doing?!” Costia was out the door in a fury, quick to try and pull her boyfriend off of Lexa by his shoulders. This just made him clamp down harder, made him even more agitated. “Stop it! You’re drunk and she’s not even half your size!”

“Get the fuck off of her, Finn!” Now Clarke and the others were making their way to the patio to try and break up the altercation.

“She punched me first! I’m just defending myself!” But before he could explain any further, Lincoln and Bellamy were tossing him off of Lexa like he was just another piece of luggage. Costia was the first one to make it over to her, eyes full of concern. 

“Lexa, fuck, are you hurt?!” She helped the brunette sit up, eyes scanning her for any injuries she could find. “God, your head is bleeding...” It must’ve happened during the fall. She felt slightly dizzy, and overwhelmingly nauseous.

“I hate to break up this love fest, but I am a doctor. Let me look at her.” Clarke knelt down, studying Lexa’s eyes for a concussion and then moving to the back of her head to see if she fractured anything. Lexa let out an irritated hiss as Clarke prodded at her skull. “Doesn’t look like anything’s broken, just a nasty cut and a concussion. Lex, do you think you can stand up?”

The brunette wasn’t sure, everything hurt and her ears were still ringing. She felt Clarke steady her, wrapping one arm around her waist while the other hand gripped her elbow. Between both of their strength, Lexa was back on her feet, heading for the patio door. 

Once they made it back to their room, Clarke helped Lexa into bed and began cleaning up the gash on the back of her head with cotton pads and hydrogen peroxide. “God Lexa, I’m so unbelievably sorry. This is all my fault, I will never forgive myself for you getting hurt...” The brunette wasn’t sure if that was because of the physical injuries or because her heart felt more like a pile of splinters than a cohesive whole.

“Clarke, as much as this stings, nothing even compares to the pain I feel from hearing that you’re in love with me from two people, neither of which were you...” That caused the blonde to freeze, her fingers no longer meticulously cleaning the back of Lexa’s head.

“Who told you that?” The words were feeble, meek, flimsy fillers for what Lexa really needed to hear.

“Why does it matter?! I kissed you, I told you I wanted you, and you ran, both physically and mentally. You lied to me! You made me believe you didn’t want me! And for what?! So I could look like a fucking fool as a drunk Finn tells me that you turned him away on the beach?!” Between the throbbing of her head and the immensity of this moment, Lexa didn’t know whether she wanted to sob or puke or both. “What game are you playing, Clarke?! Because I’m not sure I know the rules.”

Before Lexa could say anything else, she felt the blonde’s lips crashing into hers. Lexa wasn’t sure if this was some concussion induced dream, or if she was really tasting strawberry chapstick and spearmint gum. But if she had learned anything from this weekend, it was clear no answers could be found in a spur of the moment kiss. She needed words, meaningful words. No more excuses, no more apologies, no more questions taking the form of answers. 

Lexa pulled away, frustrated and confused. “No, Clarke! No... I need you to tell me right now; are you are in love with me?”

“Lexa...”

“No. You either feel it or you don’t... Were you just using me as an easy lie to get Raven and Finn off your back?!”

“No! Of course not!”

“Then tell me the truth! Because Raven said you told her and Octavia you had fallen for me 6 months ago, but here I am still begging for words that I am starting to believe I will never hear come out of your mouth!”

“Of course I love you, Lexa! Of course I’m in love with you! I think I’ve loved you since the moment that we met!” The blonde’s eyes were heavy with unshed tears, her anxious fingers busy pulling apart a cotton pad into small, fluffy clouds. “But I’m fucking terrified!”

Lexa stayed silent, scared that if she interrupted Clarke’s train of thought, the blonde would never find the strength again to say what she needed to say. 

“The last time I was in love, it nearly broke me. I promised myself I would never put my heart through that again. But then you come into my life, beautiful, and funny, and the type of effortlessly cool that I couldn’t even fathom. And then I got to know you and you became the most important person to me. It was like I didn’t really know what love was until I met you.” She was sputtering out words faster than she could comprehend them. “So I told myself that being your best friend was enough, that getting to love you in my head had to be enough.”

“Clarke...”

“Lexa, please... Just let me get this out...” She kept her eyes on the brunette’s fingers that she was now anxiously playing with. “When you kissed me... When you told me you wanted me... It caught me off guard. Especially after seeing you and Costia on the back patio. She makes sense, Lex. She’s stunning and interesting in all the best ways. She fits with you... I figured that’s what you deserved...”

“Clarke, the only person that gets to decide what I deserve is me. And need I remind you, she absolutely crushed my heart when she dumped me. I was also scared of falling in love again, of feeling that pain... But then I met you... And you seemed so... I don’t know... Worth it.”

Blue eyes flashed up to green in an anxious flurry. “Seemed?”

“I mean, yeah, this weekend kind of broke my heart. Watching you last night with Finn, on the couch, looking like a married couple who was settling in for the evening, it made me feel like I was the farthest thing from your mind. Like I was just some place holder until you got what you wanted.”

“No, Lex, we were just catching up. He’s nothing but a memory to me... Especially after how he acted tonight. Seeing him on top of you, hurting you... I felt like I couldn’t breathe...” She was shaking her head like it was an etch-a-sketch and she was trying to erase the image from her mind. “You’re all I want in the present, all I want for the future...”

Lexa tried to force back the smile fighting to form on her lips, but it was too hard with the way the blonde was looking at her, so full of love, so full of hope.

“You know... He wasn’t lying... I did punch him first.” Clarke rolled her eyes, but seemed unsurprised.

“And why on earth did you think that was a good idea?” The brunette bit her lip, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“He said all you were good for was a pair of lips and a heart break... I couldn’t let him talk about the woman I love like that...” Clarke’s eyes widened, her cheeks turning red.

“So... You still love me?” She seemed far less interested in Finn’s disrespectful comment, only focused on the words that followed.

“Of course I still love you, Clarke. I don’t know how not to.” She rubbed at her forehead in frustration, trying to find the right words. “But you hurt me this weekend, you lied to me, you made big decisions on my behalf.... I need time to think this over, to really decide if I can trust you.” Clarke look disappointed, a misty quality to her unwavering gaze.

“I get it... I’m willing to work for this... Just please don’t give up on me, on the idea of us...” Lexa nodded, intertwining their fingers together and kissing the back of Clarke’s hand.

“I doubt I’ll think of anything else.” And there was that warm Clarke smile that had been missing all weekend. She may not be ready to trust her fully with her heart, but the love was there. Scared and weary, but definitely still there. She just hoped that would be enough to give the blonde a second chance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since some of you were eager for an update, here it is! Also, many of you mentioned Lexa not letting Clarke off the hook, and I hope this delivers!
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	5. And now you’re pumpin’ air to my lungs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of Clarke’s point of view after the fight. Little bit of fluff, little bit of clarity.

Clarke watched Lexa from her side of the bed, feeling micro-doses of relief every time she saw the rise and fall of the brunette’s chest. Everything felt too quiet, everything except the thoughts in her head and the words that were fighting to escape her lips, fighting to wake up the snoozing girl next to her.

Lexa got hurt today. Lexa got hurt today, and it was all her fault. No amount of sleepless monitoring and gentle application of butterfly stitches could make up for the fact that Clarke’s lack of bravery and honesty led to the concussed and heartbroken girl laying next to her. Lexa gave Clarke her heart on a silver platter, begged her to take it, gave her space when she refused it, and then still ended up bleeding and begging for the aching in her chest to stop. And while Clarke wanted to prove to Lexa that she was the one for her, part of her felt like she didn’t deserve it, like she would never deserve it. 

Lexa was good. So good that the universe gave her a wind chime laugh, and eyes of sea foam and sunlight. So good that, even now, in her unconscious and injured state she looked like an angel fallen from heaven, with all the bumps and bruises to prove it. So good that Clarke felt immense guilt for ever taking advantage of her sweet nature and kind disposition. 

But god did she love her. She didn’t know it was possible to love someone as much as she loved Lexa. Possible to fall for someone without the friction of skin and the meeting of lips. With Finn it was all familiarity, and time, and close proximity that blossomed attraction and lust. But Clarke was too wary to call it love anymore. Not when her quiet moments with Lexa made her heart race more than her physical moments with Finn. Finn was convenient attraction. Lexa was overwhelming love. 

And that realization scared the shit out of her. If losing Finn, losing the warmth of nostalgia and childhood memories, nearly broke her, how would she ever survive Lexa’s inevitable departure? Lexa had every right to walk away after this weekend, to need time and space and separation. But the thought alone made Clarke sick to her stomach. Sick to her stomach because what was best for Lexa and wanting to be with Lexa were juxtaposing ideas clattering around in her head, and tightening her chest.

“Clarke... Quit staring...” the gruff grumble of sleep was outmatched by the tiny smirk now adorning the brunette’s face. “I’m fine. All patched up.”

“You’re not a car tire, Lex. You got really hurt today... I just need to make sure...” Clarke’s voice was extinguished by the threat of tears. It was useless to try and brace for impact when her hands were all shakes and words reduced to wobbling syllables.

“Hey, Clarke, shhhhh baby, it’s okay.” Lexa was now sitting up, arms reaching for shoulders and insecurities she had missed hours ago. She could feel the neck of her T-shirt dampening with all the guilt she couldn’t take away. “I’m okay. I promise.”

Clarke began to rock forward on her knees, the back of balled fists wiping at her eyes, all knuckles and sharp edges. Lexa needed sleep. She needed medical attention. She needed love without complication and stipulations. What she certainly didn’t need to be doing was calming an anxious Clarke.

“Lex, you should get back to sleep. Especially if we’re going to get out of here at a reasonable time tomorrow.” Lexa sat back, concerned eyes searching for other things she might be missing. And as if the only answer for confused heartache was a physical meeting in the middle, the brunette leaned forward, offering a careful kiss cloaked in comfort but plagued with nervous energy.

Clarke accepted it for all it was. Not a promise or an expectation, just a moment of solace amongst self inflicted chaos. As she pulled away, eyes searching for green, she was met with an expression of total adoration. She had seen this look a million times before, in between pages in the aisle of a bookstore or above the rim of a coffee cup after a totally platonic sleepover. She was now kicking herself for not appreciating it, not understanding the weight of its importance.

“You should get some rest too, Clarke. I don’t need you dying of sleep deprivation before we figure out this mess.” The blonde let out a hardy laugh, free of reluctance and remorse. Lexa eased herself back onto her pillow, then reached her arms out in hopes that a body would fill in all the physical and emotional gaps. Clarke accepted with little push back, knowing full well that if there was any chance of her giving in to the persistent aching of her eyes, it would be with her head resting on Lexa’s chest, feeling the rise and fall of steady breaths and hearing the undeniable heartbeat punctuating each moment.

:  
:

She was awoken the next morning by cursing mumbles as Lexa hobbled around the room, gathering stray articles of clothing almost lost to early morning shadows. ‘The only true inconvenience of an all black wardrobe’, Clarke thought to herself. She knew she should alert Lexa of her conscious state, but watching the brunette perform the most basic of domestic tasks made her heart flutter just a little. Lexa threw balled up t-shirts in any bag she could find, not concerned if it was her own or Clarke’s. The blonde now clung to the thought that this would give them an excuse to see each other after this weekend, exchange wrinkled knots and honest conversation. Maybe this was by design.

“You should take it easy. Let me help you pack.” Clarke tried her best at a gentle whisper, but it made the brunette jump regardless.

“A concussion wasn’t enough? You trying to give me a heart attack too?” Lexa let out a breathy chuckle as she pressed a rogue sock to her chest. Clarke crawled forward until she was sitting at the edge of the bed, legs dangling and toes meeting cool hardwood.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.” She held out her hand for Lexa to take sans sock, and pulled her closer so she was standing between her legs, the blonde’s hands moving to rest on her hips. “Listen, before we get back out there and face the inevitable, I need to reiterated to you that I want to do this right. I will give you what ever space or time you may need, but I do love you Lex. I love you, and I will wait till you’re ready. I will remain your friend if you decide you will never be ready... I just... I can’t lose you. You have too much of me now.”

Lexa stared into her eyes for just a moment, a small smile easing the weight only a confession of love could supply. Without saying anything, she leaned forward, pulling at the blonde’s chin and pressing a careful kiss to her lips. This was becoming Clarke’s new favorite way of communicating comfort, and it was making it hard for her to remind herself all the reasons it shouldn’t be.

“Clarke, no matter what space and time I may need, it won’t change the fact that I’m in love with you. I want this to work, I do, we just need to build up that trust again and be honest with each other about where we stand and where our hearts lie.” Lexa rubbed soothing circles on the back of Clarke’s hand, matching the velvet soft tone of her voice. “Now, I’m smelling Lincoln’s famous red velvet pancakes in the kitchen, and would really like to inhale a few of those before we hit the road.”

Clarke nodded in agreement as she began to untangle their fingers, anxiety relieved by the small smile gracing Lexa’s face. On cue, her stomach started making an attention catching gurgling sound, met with a melodic laugh by the brunette. “I think your stomach and I are in agreement.”

As they stepped out into the dimly lit living room, early morning sun feeling as foggy as sleepy eyes, they were met with apologetic, borderline embarrassed, stares.

“Lexa, how’re you feeling?!” The urgent whisper came from a blanketed Raven on the couch, carefully swirling her coffee cup in a counter clockwise motion and eyeing the brunette up and down for visible injury. 

“My pride is still touch and go at this point, but other than that, just a few bumps and bruises patched up by the incredible doctor Griffin.” As if Lexa were performing the last act to a play she never should’ve been cast in, she pulled Clarke closer by the hip and placed a gentle kiss to her temple. And while the blonde knew it was all for show, there was something so seemingly genuine about it, some authenticity loaned to them from future selves that had this all figured out. “I’m so sorry for last night guys, it was totally inappropriate and out of hand.”

“Don’t you dare apologize! You were defending our best friend, and that asshat had no right to respond the way he did.” Lincoln’s words floated from the kitchen like the scent of early morning coffee and perfectly cooked pancakes. “We kicked him out, by the way.”

Lincoln said it as though it was the only right answer after what transpired last night. Clarke found herself only able to nod in agreement, the image of Lexa in pain, pinned to the ground replaying on a loop in her unforgiving mind.

“Did uh... did Costia go with him?” The question was small, almost like it wasn’t really looking for an answer. It made Clarke’s heart clench as she tried her best not to overthink about why Lexa cared to know.

“Yeah, she did. Told us to tell you how sorry she is and to let her know if you need anything.” Octavia was now pitching in, filling in the gaps of what they missed after the altercation, but it was all met with annoyed grumbles from Clarke. 

“She’s hundreds of miles away from you... what could she do to help...” 

Lexa’s arms tightened around Clarke as she placed a gentle kiss right below her ear. “You have nothing to worry about, my love.”

The whisper was quiet, as if nervous the pet name mixed with the intention of it was crossing a line. Clarke turned in the brunette’s arms so that they were pressed against each other, careful lips meeting in the middle and quieting any insecurity that made itself known. Lexa gave her that small smile again, the one that told her they would figure this out together. 

“I would tell you to get a room, but I’m kinda relieved to see you two still love each other after this weekend.” Raven’s statement was delivered as a joke, but Clarke sensed the honest undertones of it.

“Like I would let this one go after she put up with you guys the past 3 days and then fought for my honor? I know a good thing when I’ve got it, so she’s stuck with me.” This drew out an unkempt grin from the brunette, the finger tips resting on her back now gliding up and down her spine as if acknowledging the statement.

“Agreed.” Was all Lexa could manage. And that one word was all Clarke needed to know there was still something very much there to fight for, to risk her heart for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay on this chapter! Had some writer’s block. This chapter is acting more as a bridge into Clarke and Lexa getting back to their real life and figuring out what they could be.
> 
> Let me know what you think and if you want this story to keep going!


	6. Closing my eyes, counting to three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter from Clarke’s point of view. This is the first time they’ve seen each other since the trip.
> 
> A little angst with a little fluff.

It had been almost 2 weeks since they got back from that hellish trip. Almost 2 weeks of Clarke’s careful distancing and impossibly exhausting self control. She didn’t text Lexa. She didn’t call Lexa. She reminded herself that this was the time and space the brunette asked for, the brunette needed from her.

So she busied herself with her work, and her art, and long calls with Raven skirting around details that might give away that they were faking it, while still being able to get some of this off her chest. 

But self inflicted business didn’t take away from the ache of Lexa’s absence. Didn’t take away all the reasons Clarke missed her. All the surprise coffee drop offs at the hospital. All the late afternoon pick me up texts she was so accustomed to. All the parts of Lexa that now felt like missing pieces of herself. How could she not have seen it before? How could she not have properly appreciated it when she had it, when she could claim it as her own?

And while she had made herself strict, outlined rules for waiting until Lexa reached out, waiting until she was ready for whatever this mess was, she couldn’t help but feel justified in owing the brunette an impromptu beverage drop off. So, on her first day off in what felt like forever, she grabbed a handful of colorful sharpies from her art supplies, picked up an iced green tea from Lexa’s favorite coffee shop, and went to work drawing a beautiful evergreen scene on the side of the cup. Tall trees reaching for baby blue. The condensation of the drink now blending the colors to create a vivid cyan. The irony was not lost on Clarke in the slightest.

She walked into Lexa’s office with confidence, hoping this manufactured conviction would halt her from getting scared and abandoning the plan all together. Lexa’s receptionist peered around his computer screen with a warm smile. Aden knew Clarke well, and seemed unsurprised by the unannounced visit. It’s almost like being the brunette’s closest friend earned her a right to be there without an appointment.

“Clarke! It’s been awhile!” The dirty blonde, lanky kid with a boyish smile ushered her over, unfettered by the insistent chiming sound announcing several new emails.

“Hey Aden! Just wanted to drop this off for Lex.” She rested the drink on the edge of his desk, and began to pivot on her heels, not wanting to disturb his work or his boss’. “Just let her know it’s here whenever you get the chance!”

When she reached the lobby door, she could hear him on the other line. “Hey Ms. Woods! Clarke just dropped off a drink for you, and your game of phone tag with Costia continues. She just called back.”

Hearing that name, hearing that Costia and Lexa were both actively attempting communication, fraught only by bad timing and busy schedules, made Clarke sick to her stomach. She felt like an idiot now, delivering tea with stupid, borderline embarrassing drawings on the side. 

It all felt like a metaphorical passing of notes in class. “Do you like me? Circle Yes or No,” while the answer could very well be a mix of both, with a dash of “you’re just a little too late.” She didn’t even reserve the right to be frustrated, none the less angry or disappointed or dare she say heartbroken. Lexa wasn’t hers, and if she wanted to be with her beautiful, smart, charismatic ex girlfriend, there was nothing really stopping her.

As Clarke began to fully immerse herself in wallowing self pity, she heard the call of her name, followed by the gentle grab of her wrist.

“Clarke, you can’t just drop off my favorite drink with the most beautiful landscape drawing on the side, and not at least say hi.” She turned to find the brunette in her usual work attire; fitted black slacks that fell just above her ankle and a cream button down rolled at the sleeves. She looked beautiful and a little flushed from her unexpected midday cardio.

“Hey Lex, I just... I didn’t want to bug you. I know how busy you can get.” She tried her best to keep a level voice, but her eyes betrayed her easygoing facade as she glanced down at her feet, unable to look at Lexa’s stupidly perfect and beautiful face.

“Clarke... hey, you alright?” She cursed herself for not having a better poker face. She cursed Lexa for knowing her so well and calling her wordless bluff. 

“Yeah, I’ve just been trying to give you the space you need, and didn’t want my unannounced drop in to feel like an intrusion on that.” She glanced up quickly, finding the softest meadow green eyes. All concern, all undeserved patience. “I’m trying to respect our agreement and earn back your trust on your terms.”

“Clarke... I appreciate that, I really do, but please don’t look at this as a punishment. I still want to see you... I still miss you... I just want to take this slow.” Hearing those words from Lexa gave Clarke enough courage to reciprocate solid eye contact. Without realizing it, Lexa’s hand had moved from her wrist down to her palm, holding it loosely and rubbing soothing lines across her knuckles.

“I know, Lex. I just don’t want to push you or make you feel like we’re going too fast.” She did her best at a reassuring smile, but the brunette seemed unconvinced. “I still want you to feel like your options are open, that you should be with who ever makes you happiest...”

“Clarke... what’re you talking about? You know I don’t want anyone else...” the blonde gritted her teeth and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will away the confusing tangle of relief and unjustified jealousy. 

“I heard you uh... have been trying to get in touch with Costia,,, and I uh don’t want to get in the way of that... you know, if she’s what makes you happy...” Lexa began shaking her head, eyes now concentrated with understanding, followed by a hint of frustration. She let go of Clarke’s hand to rub at her own temple.

“I don’t know what you heard, but Costia called me because she’s coming to town with some friends and was hoping for some suggestions on restaurants and the best spots to hit.” The statement was soft, absent of anger or impatience. “I’m sorry if hearing that I had tried calling Costia back hurt you, Clarke.”

“Lex, you don’t owe me an apology. We’re still um figuring this out and I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions” the blonde cleared her throat, but it wasn’t enough to take away the heaviness in her gut and heart. “I shouldn’t have stopped by unannounced anyway.” 

Wordlessly, Lexa reaches for her, finding her hips first and pulling her in so their bodies were flush against each other. Her lips moved up to the blonde’s ear, undeterred by the sudden close proximity.

“I missed you, Clarke. I miss you every single day. Please don’t run from this.” And like that, Lexa was cutting through all the bullshit. Avoidance wasn’t a word in her vocabulary, and this all seemed to be confirmed by the way her fingers were now tracing Clarke’s spine. “I have a busy week next week, but after that, you should ask me on a date.”

Before Clarke could say anything else, she felt a chaste kiss on the corner of her mouth, and saw the blur of effortless brown curls moving away from her.

There was so much left to say, so much left to figure out, but the vibrating energy of having Lexa so close confirmed for her all she needed to know. She wasn’t going to run from this. She was going to fight for it with everything she had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter acted as another set up chapter that’ll lead to them exploring their shift from friendship to more.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Also, let me know if you prefer shorter chapters more frequently, or longer chapters that could take longer to post.


	7. Jump in with the rush in my head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa agrees to dinner with someone you might not expect.
> 
> A little angst. A little fluff. A lot of clarity.

Lexa tried not to think too hard about the fact that Clarke hadn’t called or texted. She tried hard not to think about that moment outside of her office just a week ago, how clear she thought she had made herself. How absolutely slack jawed she left the blonde, a veritable pile of pieces doing their best to fit themselves back together as she sauntered away.

But still, nothing.

She sat at her desk, completely distracted by insecure thoughts and the empty plastic cup she didn’t have the heart to throw away. Lush forest blended with azure blue. Cyan highlighting the sky. Did she read it all wrong? Was this Clarke’s not so subtle way of keeping her at arms length to try and ease the inevitable heart ache?

And then she felt the demanding buzz of an incoming call. Before she had the chance to truly remember her own name, none the less check the caller ID, she picked up.

“Clarke?” The name slipped from her lips in such a familiar way. Weeks apart had nothing on muscle memory. But her assumptions were quickly shattered by an amused chuckle, all melodic tones and unreciprocated humor.

“Nope, it’s the other girl you were once hopelessly in love with.” The sentence hits Lexa somewhere between frustration and dull pain.

“Costia... how can I help you?” She knew she sounded tired, bitter, a dash of fed up. But she couldn’t help it. It all felt like a game, and her heart was the prize, the price.

“Wow, good morning to you too, Lexie poo.” The wind chime sound of her name directly juxtaposed the sarcastic delivery. “I wanted to catch up. See if you could meet me for dinner when I’m in town next week.”

Lexa knew with every fiber of her being that she should say no. But it was just dinner. Just a cocktail and sushi and idle chit chat. It was innocent, and it felt nice to have at least one person fighting for her, reaching for her.

“Cos, I don’t know...” She knew the woman’s intentions weren’t good. She knew she would be the one to get hurt. And all she could keep flashing back to was the pain in Clarke’s eyes when Costia got to her first after the altercation. The careful way the blonde watched Costia assess the damage, all the while assessing how damaged her heart would be if Lexa decided she did want her ex back.

But then again, that radio silence from Clarke was frustrating to say the least. Too much time to overthink while simultaneously being completely underwhelmed by the blonde’s effort, or lack there of. Getting this attention from Costia, feeling wanted, was easy and uncomplicated. She didn’t feel like the second choice, she didn’t feel like the risk instead of the reward. 

“It’s just a drink and some food, Lex. I promise we’ll keep it all PG for blondie.”

“Yeah, okay, let’s do it.” Before Lexa had time to stop them, the words where gliding passed her teeth and into the receiver. “It’s just dinner. Just a drink.”

:  
:

Clarke [12:03]: I miss you.  
Clarke [12:03]: I can’t stop thimking about you.  
Clarke [12:04]: Are you redy to be done withjsh the space and jus date me already?  
Lexa [12:08]: Clarke, it’s the middle of the night...  
Clarke [12:08]: My ear’s still hot... frombbub ypur lips. I want that feeling om my lipssss.  
Lexa [12:09]: Are you drunk? Are you okay?  
Lexa [12:15]: Clarke?  
Clarke [12:18]: too manyyy shots. Not enugh H2O. Murphy tuk me home.  
Clarke [12:19]: still miss you. Still want you.

Fuck.

That’s all Lexa could think as she squinted at the glaring screen of her phone.

Fuck.

:  
:

Clarke [9:05] I’m sorry... about last night... I had no filter.  
Clarke [9:07] but I meant what I said. I do miss you. I can’t stop thinking about you.  
Clarke [9:08] I’d like to take you on a date. Just give me a time, and I’ll pick the place.

Lexa’s chest tightened as she read those messages. Clarke was trying. Clarke was hurting herself trying to give her what she asked for. And how did Lexa repay her? By agreeing to dinner with an ex.

But here she was, in a white button down and slacks feeling more like a waiter an Olive Garden waitress than a sexy single someone would want to chase. She took a long swig from her whiskey glass and scanned the room, decorated in warm woods and flickering tea lights. This was a setting for a date, not a platonic dinner between acquaintances.

And now everything felt too hot, too tight. Her shirt, the burning of the alcohol down her throat, the twitching flame emitting searing warmth. She wanted to run. Run to her favorite kind of heat. That sunshine smile, that hearty laugh, that twinkling blue. This was all wrong. This should be Clarke, she should be waiting for Clarke.

But before she had the chance to pay her tab and abandoned the half empty glass, Costia was floating over. All glam, all effortless beauty, all wrong.

“Lexa, glad to see you made it!” She pulled the brunette in for a tighter than her shirt hug, her senses overloaded by luxury brand perfume and expensive leather. “I thought for sure you’d bail.” 

Lexa cleared her throat, and anxiously glanced around the room. She was never good at getting called out for her natural inclinations. 

“Costia, I think this is a mistake. I’m with someone, and up until 2 seconds ago you were with that someone’s ex. I should’ve used better judgement.” The green eyed brunette was still unable to make eye contact, to acknowledge what this could’ve been.

“Relax Lex, it’s just dri-“

“I know, I know, it’s just drinks and dinner. But Costia I love her. I love her so fucking much and I’ve been acting like a coward.” Lexa was now talking faster than she could inhale breaths. “And seeing you, not telling her I was seeing you, that’s going to hurt her. I can’t do this, I can’t stand the idea of causing her pain.”

She slapped a crumpled up twenty on the bar, gathered her jacket, and headed for the door. She needed to see Clarke. Needed to hold her and feel her and make this right.

:  
:

“Lex, what’re you doing here?” Her blue eyes were shadowed with worry as her hip held the door open to let the brunette in.

“I fucked up, Clarke. I fucked up, and I’m so sorry... I’m such an idiot.” Clarke watched Lexa carefully, her arms now crossing as if they were a closing a gate, preparing to build a wall.

“Slow down... what happened?” The blonde did her best to maintain a calm tone, but her body language told Lexa all she needed to know. She was preparing for the let down.

“I saw her tonight. I agreed to get dinner with her. Just platonic cocktails and catching up, but it didn’t feel right... It wasn't right, Clarke.”

“Who did you see?... Costia?” Lexa could hear the crack in Clarke’s voice, hear the way she spit out the name like her body was rejecting it. All the brunette could do was nod and stare at her feet, immense guilt stealing away what was left of her resolve. “Did you... uh... did you want to get back with her?” 

Her favorite blue was now all storm clouds and crashing waves, sea spray escaping passed eyelashes and trailing down defined cheek bones,

“Clarke, baby, no. Of course not. I still only want you...” She could feel how far the blonde was now, just a couple of feet, but mentally in another dimension. It was like Lexa’s heart was now screaming to reach her, begging for her to hear it over insecurities inevitably drowning out all other thought. 

“Then why’d your agree to go? What were you looking to get out of it?” There was no malice or anger in her voice. Just quiet pain escaping through a wobbly whisper.

“I missed you. When she called, I wanted it to be you.” The words were tumbling from her lips quickly, awkwardly, but with total honesty. “I just thought you’d have reached out by then, and I was frustrated, so when she asked I said yes. It just felt good to be chased, to be wanted.”

“But... I was giving you the space you asked for... I thought I was doing the right thing...” the words were barely audible, but definitely there. Definitely piercing Lexa’s heart. “I wanted you.”

“Clarke, please... I’m so sorry...” she reached a careful hand forward capturing an elbow and a piece of a crumbling wall Clarke was trying to, but quickly failing at, building up.

“It’s okay, Lexa. I don’t really have a right to be mad. I just feel like such an idiot.” The blonde turned her head to stare out into the inky darkness of a dimly lit street. The yellow haze of the porch light illuminated glistening tear tracks and tense jaw muscles.

“Clarke, you have every right to feel however you feel right now. I should’ve never agreed to meet her, I should’ve told you she called.” She was quickly losing this battle to silhouettes of shadows on the pavement outside. So, she tested her luck again, grabbing the blonde’s hands in hers and pulling her closer. Close enough so they were mere inches apart. “We may not be in a relationship yet, but I love you and you care about me, and I should’ve honored that. I should’ve thought about how this could hurt you.”

“I don’t just care about you, Lexa. I love you too, I’m in love with you...” the careful whisper escapes on a moment of pure bravery. “I just wanted to respect your space... your boundaries.” 

“I know, and thank you. It means the world to me.” And it did. She knew everything about this situation was difficult for Clarke, but she was putting Lexa’s needs first. “But Clarke, I’m ready. I’m ready to see where this goes, and I hope I didn’t just fuck it all up.”

There was a moment of loaded silence as Clarke stared down at her feet, all the while rubbing a careful thumb across Lexa’s knuckles. The brunette was cursing herself for not seeing it before, for misinterpreting Clarke’s good intentions.

“I want this. I want you. Now, a week from now, 10 years from now. I don’t think I could ever escape wanting you.” Now blue was meeting green, and warm breaths were tangling in the little space they had between them. “But I need to know you want this too. Want me too...” 

And with no words that could do this moment justice. No words that seemed grand enough, or full enough, or poetic enough to serve as an answer to Clarke’s overwhelming statement, Lexa kissed her. She closed the remaining space between them, moved her hands to grab hold of tense jaw muscles and baby hairs that escaped from tired elastic, and kissed her as if forever depended on it. Because as far as Lexa is concerned, it very well might.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think in the comments! Would love the feedback!


	8. It looks like the water is crystal clear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF ALERT.
> 
> Sweet moments shared between Clarke and Lexa. The first look at their first date.

She woke up the next morning to a ball of warmth pressed to her back and tiny breaths tickling her neck. It took a moment for her to even register what she was feeling; having another body in her bed was so foreign and unexpected. Her muscle memory urged her to splay across her sheets, to stretch out the irksome tension of tight shoulders. What muscle memory didn’t understand was that there was a beautiful brunette wrapped around her waist, knees folded into her own, and lips so close to exposed skin on the back of neck that each exhale felt like a feather light kiss.

While both parties were very much clothed, there was something so undeniably intimate about this moment. Clarke had felt Lexa in a lot of ways; on her lips, in a tight hug, in a platonic cuddle, in the holding of hands, but never anything like this. Never spooning together with Lexa’s arms snaked around her so tight like she’s scared Clarke might vanish into some dream world. Never with fingers tangled together, and ankles locked into each other. This was new territory for them, and Clarke definitely had zero complaints.

“Clarke...” She felt the soft whisper of her name just behind the shell of her ear. “The wheels turning in that brain of yours are rather loud...” In that moment, she felt the muscles of Lexa’s arms tighten even further as a soft kiss on the back of her head acted as punctuation to her sentence.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” In one slightly awkward pivot involving the untangling of knotted limbs, Clarke flipped over to face sleepy green and a warm as sunlight smile. “It’s just, we’ve never done this before.” Lexa let out a small chuckle as she pulled the blonde onto her chest, into another implicitly intimate position.

“I mean we’ve cuddled before... I’ve slept in your bed more times that I can count.”

When Lexa said it that way, it made her feel almost silly, maybe a little insecure and vulnerable. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

She felt the brunette’s concerned gaze on her now, studying the short but anything but light sentence that just escaped her mouth. 

“Hey love, I’m sorry. You’re right, waking up this way with you, it’s absolutely different, but nothing has ever felt more right. I guess that’s why it doesn’t feel that surprising to me.” Clarke couldn’t help the small smile now lighting up her face as she felt Lexa kissing the crown of her head.

“The reason I didn’t call sooner is because I was trying to think of the perfect date... The perfect place to take you, the perfect things to do, the perfect things to eat. I just wanted everything to be...”

“Perfect.” Lexa finished the sentence without hesitation. But Clarke detected a wavering of guilt in her voice. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I should’ve known that... I should’ve never doubted your intentions.”

“Lexa, baby, it’s okay.” Clarke leaned up to stare into hesitant green. Disheveled brown curls cascaded down her cheeks, helping to hide the insecure expression now dawning her face. “I just wanted you to know why, to have a good reason. I know it might sound silly, but I really want to get this right with you.”

Lexa’s face softened and her eyes began to glitter with endless adoration. Her arms tightened further, slightly pulling Clarke up so their faces were mere inches away from each other.

“Clarke, anything we do, anywhere we go, anything we eat, will be perfect as long as you’re there with me. I love you and no matter what there will never be anything about this that doesn’t feel right.” She knew Lexa was right, that no matter what happened, nothing would shake the way they feel about each other. Not disgruntled exes or nosey best friends or the assumption of unrequited love. No matter what, they were meant to end up this way, in each other’s arms, in the haze of early morning sunshine and the love they have for each other.

So with that, Clarke broke out of their warm cocoon and headed to her closet, lobbing random articles of clothing at the brunette.

“Hey! What’re you doing! Come back to bedddd,” Lexa’s desperate pleas went unacknowledged as Clarke continued assessing two tshirts still on hangers.

“Get up. Put on those clothes. I’m taking you on our first date.” Clarke rattled off those sentences with such staccato that Lexa immediately felt the need to obey. “We both have the day off, and I’m ready to make the most of it.” 

“I’m not even showered, Clarke... I look like a mess.” Clarke shimmied on a pair of jeans and moved closer to where Lexa was sitting up in her bed.

“Nonsense. You’re beautiful, always.” She planted a saccharin sweet kiss on pillowy soft lips and then disappeared back into her closet. 

“I think you broke a rule there, Clarke. Kissing me before the date’s even begun? What kind of lady do you think I am?” Lexa said this as she slid on some black jeans that she must’ve left at the blonde’s after one of their sleepovers. Instead of telling her, Clarke washed them and saved them for a moment like this. A moment when they might need them so as to not unnecessarily interrupt their time together. 

“I think you’re the kind of lady who might not care about tradition and formalities when kissing feels this good.” The blonde gave a cocky smirk and slid on one of Lexa’s old college tshirts. It was gifted to her after about the fifth time of it being stolen from Lexa’s closet.

“Well... in that case... I think you might be right.” Lexa was now fully dressed and moving closer to wrap the blonde in her arms. She immediately recaptured the girls lips, gentle hands grabbing hold to either side of her jaw. “Clarke Griffin, you look so beautiful today. Please take me on our first of what I hope will be many dates.”

The blonde nodded excitedly, a giddy bounce now in her step as she grabbed hold of Lexa’s hand and pulled her to the door. 

:

So here they sat, at their usual booth at their favorite diner, mid morning sunlight exposing sleepy smiles and excited eyes. Lexa reached for her hand on the table, rubbing the pad of her thumb against exposed knuckles. She was so fearless when it came to them, so unafraid of telling the world where her heart belonged. It made Clarke want to be brave too.

So as Ruth, their usual waitress approached, her voice gravely from years of cigarette breaks, her graying auburn hair pulled back in a tight bun, and her soft brown eyes warm like the first cup of morning coffee, Clarke didn’t feel the need to break away from Lexa’s endlessly loving touch. She was ready for the world to perceive her this way, to know who her heart chose.

“It’s been awhile girls! I’ve missed you!” Ruth leaned on the back of Clarke’s side of the booth as she said it, making no moved to grab a pad of paper and pen. She knew their orders and could probably recite them in her sleep at this point.

“A full stack of m&m and a half stack of blueberry pancakes to split?” Clarke nodded warmly at the waitress to confirm.

“Yeah, sounds perfect, thank you Ruth.” Lexa said as she took a sip from her mug, smiling warmly at the girl across from her.

“I gotta say, I always saw this day coming, and I’m glad it’s finally here.” She gave Clarke a gentle squeeze of her shoulder as she stared back and forth between blue eyes and knitted fingers. 

“Me too, Ruth, me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this one! I’ll trying to be more regular about posting updated. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!


	9. Friends or lovers, which will it be?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Short but very sweet chapter. Clarke asks a very important question and Lexa makes it very clear how she feels.

Lexa was happy. So unbelievably happy she felt as though she might burst through the seams with all the excess joy she was desperately trying to manage and disperse equally through out her body. She was holding Clarke’s hand at their favorite diner, after holding her all through the night. She woke up to content smiles and sleepy kisses, to words so soft and warm that she almost didn’t need the cup of earl gray she was mindlessly stirring with her free hand.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” Clarke’s words broke her from her pacifying daydream.

“It just feels so right, you know. Being here with you while actually getting to be with you.” The indolent swiping of her thumb across knuckles didn’t feel enough anymore, so she replaced the pad of it with a soft kiss. The beautiful hue of pink that it incited on Clarke’s cheeks only served to lull Lexa further into a lovesick trance.

“I love you, Lex. I’ve loved you through all the misses of our time together. All the miscommunication, missed opportunities, misunderstandings... I’m just so thankful we’re finally seeming to get this right. Getting to figure out what we could be together.” Lexa nodded in agreement, feeling satiated by the genuine nature of Clarke’s words, and the subtle way her eyes softened as she said them. She wasn’t sure how she ever doubted the girl sitting in front of her, looking at her like this complicated, often times messy, unexpectedly beautiful thing they had between them was the most important thing to her. 

“I love you too, Clarke. And I want to say this in the light of day when I’m not totally hopped up on adrenaline and the fear of losing you...” Lexa sat up, pulling back her shoulders slightly and allowing her gaze to meet now hesitant blue. “I’m sorry about last night, about seeing Costia. It wasn’t right, no matter what our relationship status was or is. You’ve been nothing short of patient and gracious with me. You put my needs before your own, selflessly... and I’m sorry I misinterpreted that, that I didn’t see how hard you were trying for me... for us.” Lexa bit her lip, trying her best to steady the tottering breaths that felt as heavy as that guilt filled apology.

“Lexa... baby... look at me please.” The brunette didn’t even realize her gaze had fallen to the steam now reaching for sleepy morning sunlight. She hadn’t even realized how quickly her mood had shifted from totally carefree to totally careful with each uneasy inhale. “There’s no reason for the apology because there’s nothing to forgive. Sure, you spent approximately 60 seconds breathing the same air as you ex. But you came home to me. You woke up to me. You professed your love for me to me. If you’ve committed some crime in the name of my heart, you’ve more than done your time.” 

Clarke looked at her, eyes bright with wonder, grin as easy as her own heart beat. Lexa knew the guilt wasn’t unfounded or unwarranted. She knew she was deserving of its weight on her chest. But Clarke was right, it was time to let it go. To know that while they were both culpable of causing each other more heartache than they should have, this part should be left simple and untainted.

“So... I know what our relationship status was... but can you clue me in on the ‘is’?” Clarke delivered it like a punchline, but Lexa could see the insecurity in the way she pulled at the skin of her lip and fidgeted with a rogue sugar packet that hadn’t found it’s way into a coffee cup yet.

“I want you, Clarke. It’s as easy as that. I’m yours and I want you to be mine, but only if you’re ready and only if that’s what you want too.” Clarke’s easy grin took over her whole face, her head nodding faster than words could escape.

“I’m all yours, every ounce of me.” The sentence tumbled off her tongue from the shear brute force of happy tears. “Will you be my girlfriend, please?” 

“Wow, you kiss before the first date has even begun and then you ask me to be your girlfriend before it’s even over... Are you going to propose before we finish our food?”

Clarke let put a tense chuckle, the muscles in her face suddenly totally stiff. Lexa was now kicking herself for the poorly timed joke and the way it scared off her favorite smile.

“Clarke, love, I’m joking. Of course I’ll be your girlfriend. There is nothing in this world that would make me happier.” The relief filled sigh that followed Lexa’s answer loosened the tension in Clarke’s shoulders and chased away the apprehension in her gaze.

“I think you get a kick out of making my heart race...” The blonde breathed out the statement with seemingly borrowed confidence.

“No, I think I’m just good at it.” The joke had its intended effect as Clarke began to giggle and shake her head in disbelief.

“That you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! I love the feedback!


	10. I don’t wanna rush around or slow down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More fluff and momentary thoughts of the future.

Clarke watched Lexa carefully as she slid out of the passenger side of her car, taking the necessities of her day with her; her keys, her phone, a pair of sunglasses that were far too big for her face and veiled Clarke’s favorite shade of green. And watching the brunette gather artifacts of her domestic day to day made Clarke’s heart catch in a way she rather not admit for fear of embarrassment. 

She had never been this girl, never needy or codependent. Never craving the companionship of what felt like a twin heart, a twin soul. But then again, she had never really felt this kinship with anyone before. Had never felt equal parts enamored and attracted and lustful. Never felt truly in love.

She tried to distract herself by carding fingers through tousled waves of hair and pressing her skull against her headrest, gaze forward but not focused on anything at all. She heard The passenger door close, not sure if she had missed a quiet goodbye in her distracted stupor. But before she could take another breath and revive the idling engine of her car, she felt her door open and a set of hands pull her face to attention.

“Goodbye, love. I’ll see you tonight.” She saw sparkling green and felt nervous breaths against her lips before the small space was abandoned for soft kisses. She leaned in further, steadying the moment of affection by grabbing gentle hold of the back of Lexa’s neck.

“I feel stupid saying this, even thinking this at all feels achingly embarrassing, but I’m going to miss you.” Clarke buried her face in the cove between Lexa’s shoulder and neck, trying to hide the pink flush of her cheeks caused by this admission, while simultaneously trying to get one last inhale of her favorite perfume.

“Clarke... hey love, please look at me...” Lexa’s subdued tone and reverent touch commanded her attention in the way nothing else could. “I am standing here, stealing your breaths like they’re my own, and trying my best not to kiss you again, because If I do, I’m afraid I won’t have the strength to stop. So, if you feel silly for fearing missing me, then I must seem like an absolute lunatic for already missing you before I’ve even left your touch.”

Clarke wasn’t sure how to respond to that statement, words feeling too small and impractical, so she answered with tender lips and soft swipes of her thumb on defined cheek bone. Lexa held them still, clutching at hip bones and leaning in further.

“Are you sure you have to go?” The quiet question came out as a gentle buzz, felt more than heard. 

“I’ll be back. I swear.” The brunette followed her answer with a pacifying touch and an adoring gaze. “I just have to shower and gather some clothes, and then I’ll be back.” The blonde nodded in response, feeling as though their goodbye was entering unreasonably long territory. She felt Lexa peeling away, retracting arms and lips with such careful precision it was like she was scared one wrong move might send the wrong message. “And Clarke, I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m yours as long as you’ll have me.” 

And there Lexa goes answering a question that the blonde didn’t even have the courage to vocalize. Clarke wanted to respond with another kiss but knew where that would end them up, so she just answered with a gentle smile and the only words she was confident she wouldn’t mess up in this vulnerable moment. “I love you, Lex. And neither am I.”  
:  
:

Lexa kept her word, appearing at Clarke’s door step in the early afternoon with an overnight bag and damp curls, soft and wild. Clarke greeted her with the kiss she had been saving since their goodbye, meting into Lexa’s frame without a second thought.

This part was easy. The endless affection, the knowing looks, the soft smiles that soothed a part of the soul that has been yearning for so long. This part was worth the wait. Feeling Lexa’s fingers tangled with her own and wanting nothing more than for them to stay like this, half lit by the street light outside, door perched open, not even two steps in. She made a mental note to herself to try and never let Lexa further than the entry way without a greeting like this.

“We’re fucking ridiculous,” The brunette giggled under her breath. Her gaze was wistful and lost in some kind of daydream. Her hands tightened around knotted fingers. “I don’t think I’ve ever showered and packed a bag so fast in my life.”

Clarke led her in, knowing that a tour of the space wasn’t necessary. Lexa had seen every square inch of her home. Had slept on her couch, in her bed, even on the floor after one too many shots and a deadweight like slumber. Lexa already had a spare toothbrush in a cup next to Clarke’s. Already had sleep shirts and shorts in the bottom drawer of her dresser. Already had a home here, proven by domestic necessities and the beating of Clarke’s heart whenever she was here.

Clarke knew it was too early for these kind of thoughts. Hell, just a day ago, Lexa was crying on her stoop and begging for forgiveness. Just a day ago, they were both totally confused, on the wrong pages of the same book. Just a day ago, Clarke was still day dreaming about what this would actually be like.

So she watched Lexa settle into the couch, tucking herself into a blanket and flipping through Netflix to find a show they would both like. Clarke trusted her and Lexa never let her down. Not in the choosing of entertainment, and not in the handling of her heart. 

So she opted to let go of thoughts of the future, at least for a little while, to enjoy the moments they were having right now. This part was easy. The rest could wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading thus far! I have a few more ideas for this fic, and will update as soon as I can!
> 
> Comments always help the process, so let me know what you think!


End file.
